I'm telling myself it's because I just spent a week of non-stop interaction with my children, but the truth is, today felt like the longest day ever. Bennett is in Atlanta for a combo work/guys trip they rescheduled from last year...so I've been home alone with them and parts of the day were fine and parts of the day felt like torture. If I'm honest.
And it makes me feel guilty that I feel that way- but the truth is that I do. Or at least I did today. My patience is low. And my kids, together, require a lot of patience. Maybe all kids do. I don't really know. But I sometimes feel like I will just lose my ever loving mind if I have to repeat what I just said, ONE. MORE. TIME.
And maybe I also just have a hard time with free time. With them at least. I feel like I have to entertain, the entire day. And it's partially because I want them to be happy and having fun, and yet the truth is, it's partially because I don't know how to be still here. And then I can't remember if I don't know how to be still anywhere or if I just learned to keep busy here as a way to feel less lonely.
But I do know that the thought of having three more hours at home before bedtime caused me to think of about a million things we needed to go do. Stupid things. Dropping library books off at a closed library even though I told them we would go to the library tomorrow when it's open to rent books. Going to Target to buy coloring books that we don't really need. Getting a car wash. Going the long way to the car wash. Stopping to get my water bottle that I left at the park tomorrow.
I don't remember feeling this way in Austin. But maybe I did. Or maybe I'm constantly trying to busy myself because I am so uncomfortable and even unhappy when I'm not. And maybe that's my location. Maybe that's me and how I've changed. Maybe it's having children - and one in particular that you feel like you always have to be ON with because you know that the second you're not- things go off the rails.
I'm not trying to complain. I told myself all day to shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself. Because listen, I know...I just got back from vacation, my kids are healthy, and we can pretty much entertain ourselves whenever/however we need to. I just don't know if it's normal to wonder if or when you will ever relax and be still again. And that's just me telling the truth.