It's sort of hard to become yourself. There are so many things along the way that take up your time and the space in your mind and heart, and sometimes, if you pause just long enough, you look at them, and wonder if these things that occupy significant space, are the things that fill you up, or help you become who you are meant to be.
And I've been thinking lately about how I spend my time and who I spend it with- and I'm taking an audit. An informal one, I suppose, but an audit nonetheless.
There are a lot of things I like about myself. But there are also a lot of things I miss. I miss wondering what will come next. I remember a long time ago, telling a friend of mine, who was down about her situation at that time, that from the outside looking in, she was in such a unique and exciting spot, because her itinerary was wide open. I mean- anything could happen.
I think it's hard to keep that perspective, or truly be in a position like that, as an adult. You have people in your life that you have worked hard to create something for. And the hard work to get there, to provide something real and solid and stable, doesn't exactly leave you with a sense of flexibility or surprise or spontaneity. And I miss that.
And I miss reading. And writing. I don't have much time for that these days. Or at least, I don't make time for that in the same way that I used to. And I can't tell if the desire isn't there anymore- or if it's just buried and I've convinced myself it's an issue of desire. This blog is really the only free writing I do- and to be honest lately- I feel like it's been more of a record of happenings than anything interesting. I used to be more interesting. And my eyes well up with tears as I write that- so I know that it's true. At least to me.
I hardly read. And when I do, it's factual. I literally cannot tell you the last time I read something that was fiction. And maybe that's fine- I think there is a sincere piece of me that just wants to spend my time learning about real things- real people- but it makes me wonder what changed. There wasn't a time in high school or in college that I wasn't in the middle of one, maybe two good books. I used to be well read. I'm not anymore.
And I miss making believe. Yesterday I took Brooks and Davis down to the creek and we threw rocks and I encouraged them to pretend we were on an adventure and maybe we had to live in the woods forever because we were lost. And I had so much fun. My soul felt light in a way it hasn't in a while. And I thought of John Hage, my best friend growing up, and how we would play for hours in the trees by our houses. And I thought of the bike trails my mom would take us on in Sioux Falls, and the smell...less of nature, really, than the smell of fresh possibility. Anything could happen. You could be anyone. You could feel anything. You could surprise everyone. You could surprise yourself.
And I guess that is what I miss the most lately- surprising myself.
I'm going to San Antonio on Friday after work, coming back Sunday. And I've been trying to go since January for Kirsten's birthday, but I haven't really had the time, or I haven't wanted to go at the time because it wasn't good timing for the kids or whatever...but it's also kind of like the absolute perfect weekend to go. And I guess God knew that. I need to get the heck out of here. I need to spend some time with *Amethyst.
*Kirsten and I drove to San Antonio one day in high school- she was a grade younger than me- and we hardly knew each other but shared science and choir classes together. And one day I called her in high school and asked her to go to San Antonio with me- but the catch was that she had to be someone else entirely. And I had to be someone else entirely. The entire day. And we were- she was Amethyst and I was Molly and we got in the car and we were someone else for the day. We wore unique outfits, we spoke in specific ways, and we had a day-long dialogue about things in another life. And in being someone else with her- in some ways I was really, truly me.
And I can't wait to be me this weekend.