I'm on my way back to Minne from a day trip to New York. It had to be a day trip because Bennett is also traveling this week. Funny enough, I was sitting in the airport talking to him and I said "You know, the only thing I think Trump was right about is how shitty the La Guardia airport is..." and he said "Wait- you're in La Guardia? So am I..." So there you go, that's a look at our lives right now.
And most of the time I like that, being so busy, being challenged and working so hard that you feel completely spent at the end of each and every day. But today was the first day in a LONG time that I remember thinking "Man, I just want to pack it up and go home. I'm tired. This is hard. And I might be done with this." And by this, I certainly meant work, but I also meant more. For the first time in at least a year or so, I seriously thought and maybe even dreamed about just going home. To my friends. To my family. To warm weather. To everything I know, that is comfortable, and in many ways, easy.
I'm tired. And that sounds a little bit heavenly today.
The things I went on to think are what makes me realize that it's not so simple. I realize the going home that I think of really isn't there anymore. I'm not 30. I'm not at a place in my career where I just get to show up and have fun and do the basics at work. My friends aren't all going out every weekend and playing downtown.
And even if I was 30, and my job was simple, and my friends were just having fun...knowing what I know now, seeing what I have seen, learning what i have learned, it wouldn't be the same. There is a quote about the hard thing about moving and trying new things and being different versions of yourself, and it captures so much of what I feel - and I don't remember exactly how the quote goes, but the point is this, the more you go, the more you grow, the more you change, the harder it is to feel at home...because you leave little pieces of you everywhere you've been. Man it makes me tear up just writing that. It's a beautiful thing, sure, but it's also a bittersweet thing.
Growing up is hard. Being an adult is even harder.
I think I just need a break.
But that will have to wait because this weekend I'm going on an overnight with two girlfriends, then Monday I fly to Denver, then Tuesday I come back, then Wednesday I work, then my mom will be here Thursday for Thanksgiving. Gotta power through at least one more week until I have a little downtime. I need to figure out a way to recharge- at least to carry me a bit further until I figure out a new plan.
Maybe I'll go work on an elephant preserve.