Disappointment.

I haven't written much over the past two weeks- and it's really because I have been so incredibly disappointed in a few situations, and they've really sort of taken up my mental and emotional focus. The main thing, honestly, is the election. I almost can't even write about it, it feels so raw and honestly, so personal.

It's really the first time I have been disappointed in my country. And it really has nothing to do with parties. I've always had friends that are a mix of republicans and democrats, conservatives and liberals. I have voted republican, I have voted Democrat. But I have never, ever, in my life believed that the American people are so misinformed, so selfish, so hateful, that they would get behind someone like Donald Trump. It still feels like a joke that has gone incredibly bad. A joke that turned tragic, overnight. 

America is about hope, about acceptance, about opportunity. For all. The irony of how many Americans got behind the idea of shutting out all of those things for so many people is simply too rich, too thick, to even understand.

Who of you, did not come from immigrants? Who of you is superior in God's eyes? Who of you is defined by their body parts verses their hearts and minds? Who of you is superior to those next to you, simply based on the luck of where you were born and who you were born to? 

And don't even get me started on Christians that stand behind his ideas around deportation or building a wall or blocking refugees? Is there no room at the inn? Was your savior not dark skinned and from the middle east? 

If you picture Him as a blonde haired blue eyed American- then you are missing the boat by a longer shot than I imagined.

And what about your mothers, your sisters, your daughters, your wives? Can you look at them and say that you voted for a man who does not respect them as equals? Who will literally put more and more people in office that will resurface and strengthen the glass ceiling we are working so hard to break?

Some days I tell myself that people don't really understand what they voted for. Because if it was clear and intentional- I don't know how to rationalize such selfishness and hate. And it feels very heavy to wake up every day and think about a nation half-filled with such selfishness and hate. 

My heart is heavy and I honestly feel so angry- I don't even know how I will get through the next four years. This is not my president. This is not what I believe in.