I think I felt nostalgic last night. I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep, but because I was kept awake by a nagging cough, I began scrolling through old pictures from my social media timelines. And as I looked at these pictures- of me, of the kids when they were smaller, of my friends, of Bennett, I felt a dull, but unmistakable ache in my stomach/throat/heart? And I thought to myself "are you sad? are you lonely? are you not as happy as you once were- in those pictures?" I didn't know the answer, so I just kept scrolling until I fell asleep...but I woke up wondering these things:
Is your heart feeling a little broken because time is going too quickly?
Is it hard to realize how tiny your little ones were, and how big they are, and how that time is over? (And also are you crazy- because while those pictures are cute- those were some tough times and sleepless nights)
Do you miss Texas? Do you miss Austin? Do you miss that life?
Do you THINK you're happy here- but really you are masking a loss of joy you once had?
Are you settling?
Are you living each day intentionally? They are going so fast after all...
Have you made the wrong choices? Are you supposed to be in Minnesota or are you just choosing what is right in front of you?
Is this even about Texas or Minnesota? Not everything is about Texas or Minnesota for goodness sake.
So, in trying to understand my feelings, of course I did what I always do- look up the real definition of words I am trying to associate my feelings with. And I found this:
Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.
It's confirmed. I had nostalgia. And because I rarely look back on things- it threw me a bit. But the next question is- does a wistful longing for times past- especially when tied to happy personal associations mean I'm not really happy right now?
I feel happy. I feel at peace- most of the time. If anything- I often feel like "Okay when is the other shoe going to drop? I shouldn't be this blessed when so many are not..." So maybe you can feel nostalgic even when you're not in a bad spot? I don't know...
Ewww, blech. I hate nostalgia. Makes my stomach/throat/heart hurt.
That's all I have for today.
PS: Holden is back to her sassy pants self- don't spend a minute worrying about her.