The other night I went to Barnes & Noble to pick a new book. I used to be the most voracious reader. There really wasn't a time when I wasn't reading a book... And then I had children. And now I mainly read the news and often just the headlines before I go to bed each night. But I miss reading. And I want to make time for it. I picked up about five books, including: #GIRLBOSS, Brain on Fire, The CEO Difference and The Circle Maker. Quite a variety, if you know anything about these books. I thought I would leave with #GIRLBOSS as I've heard quite a bit about it lately and I'm always into female empowerment. But I left with The Circle Maker.
I don't usually read books about Christianity. Not because I think they are lame or anything...I just usually read fiction or I read about a specific person or event that I am interested in. And yes, I realize reading about christianity could fall in that last category...but I'm just being honest. I don't really get that far into books like "The Purpose Driven Life". I just don't. I don't exactly know why. It's probably the devil. Ha.
Anyway, I started reading this book last night and holy buckets, it's good. And I know I am supposed to be reading it. The main idea is sort of that God Honors Bold Prayers because Bold Prayers Honor God. And the book tells stories of the "circles" of prayer people create around their biggest dreams, hopes and fears. Of course they are all pretty miraculous...and that's great, but the key thing (for me) pointed out in the first few chapters is that you have to know what your dreams, hopes and fears are in order to pray circles around them.
And...I realized that I HAVE NO IDEA. I have no DREAMS or HOPES or FEARS right now. Not any that are so prevalent in my life that I need to get on my knees and pray circles around...
And that is like the saddest realization to have. Okay- I clearly have things I care about and hope for, but there is not one thing that I am praying for, trusting in God for, working toward every day, every hour. I am like simply coasting. I'm just sort of coasting along with life, on the top of the wave. There is no diving in, at the risk of my life. It's so lame. I'm so lame right now.
So I decided that I would pray one very specific prayer: God, help me realize the purpose of my life and my gifts. As clear as night and day, reveal this to me, and then I will take action.
I have felt for a while that I am not using my life and my work for my true purpose...or even in just common terms, I'm not really doing anything that I find challenging, worthwhile or important. But I haven't known exactly what it is that I want to do next...so I have just continued on. I have just continued to sit. Day in and day out. I am basically rotting. I'm not too intimidated to go after something- but I have to know what that something is.
So that is my prayer.
I will keep you posted on how it is going. What God is doing. In the meantime, get the book! Okay, more later. Big post. Need to process.